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Drink
You know, I don’t really call myself a writer.
Even though:
I write as often as I can.
I am 9/10ths of my way through the first draft of my first novel.
I have submitted work to publishing agencies.
And I have earned a very small amount of money for words that I have put on a page, but I don’t think of myself as a writer. I feel like I have to reach a certain level first. A nebulous level of success that will only become clear once I’ve reached it. On that distant day, I will declare myself a writer.
I could sit and ponder why it is that I am loathe to name myself that way…
Hmm…could it be that I prefer not to be constrained by labels? Perhaps something from my childhood?
…but deep down, I know why I can not will not do not say I am a writer. It is because I am afraid of the scrutiny that I think it would invite. I am afraid people would disagree.
Oh Heidi, you are not a writer. You just aren’t. Not really.
I was talking to a friend today and I mentioned that I don’t look at a glass as half-full or half-empty; I just drink it. And that’s truly the way I approach life.
I do.
When I want something, I go for it.
When I want to know something, I find it out.
I try to live each day drinking life in instead of trying to figure our what it all means. I just do.
How can I bring these two parts of myself into harmony? The one who is afraid to declare what I want to be, and the one who picks up the glass and drains every last drop?
I can’t.
I can’t be both fearless and afraid.
I can’t be the both conqueror and the conquered.
Okay, maybe I can, but I don’t want to be.
I won’t.
So here and now
for the first time ever
I declare:
I am a writer.
Just don’t tell anyone, okay?
Comments
10 Responses to “Drink”
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Once upon a time there was a Heidi…
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Oh, but I have already told people
Honestly, I am an editor at heart. Had I known sooner I might be making a living that way, at home, in my pj’s, editing.
I anxiously wait whenever someone is going to send me something to “look over”. I can’t wait to get my mitts on it. A period here, a crossed out word there… a suggestion here and there… I AM NOT A WRITER. I don’t want to be a writer. But helping along other people’s words, that’s magical to me!
Any time you need an editor’s eye, let me know, I’d be glad to put that hat on. No charge, of course, it’s too much fun!
You are not only a writer, you are good writer. Keep it up.
I think you are a great writer! Thoughtful, yet completely entertaining.
Of course you are! It’s about time you admit it! Drink it up, baby!!! (I’m not a writer… was that last line from anything or did I just say it a lot to my kids and now I think it’s from something? I even have a specific accent that goes with that sentence. It’s sorta like New Jersey meets Arnold Swartza….whoever.) Anyway! Congrats! I’ve always loved reading your words!
I’ve only been reading your blog for a short time, but I think you most definitely ARE a writer! But I know what you mean – I face the same dilemma with my songwriting but I havent made a dime with it yet (nor am I ever likely to, but it’s fun!)
I also loved this ‘drink’ philosophy so much I linked you over to my blog (so that all two of my loyal readers can find you)
PaulaWs last blog post..Drink!
And a VERY good one at that!=)
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I enjoy your writing. Oh, and I gave you a blog award over at inmates. Stop by when you can!!!
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You are a dang good writer, that’s what you are. Declare it, girl! I read your blog when I need to be entertained. You are very talented-and hilarious!
I think you write beautifully. I too struggle with proclaiming my own talents. I cringe when someone calls me an artist, eventhough it is a true passion of mine. I think it is because we always think we can do better. I am afraid if I say that I am an artist, I will somehow fail and not be able to live up to the title. I totally understand where you are coming from. You have perhaps given me to encouragement to instead of cringe, accept the title and throw all worries out the window. I wish you many successes with your efforts
P.S After reading what I just wrote it is apparent that I am still in school mode even though it is my lunch break…what I meant to say is WHoo hoo Aunt Heidi! You go girl!
Oh, yes you are!
So glad to see you declare it, Heidi.
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